One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
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Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*