One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?