One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs