Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

What the hell is going on?

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.