Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.