One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
RT if you could go either way.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it