Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

The legends speak of a third Duran…

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks