Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

I’d hang this in my house.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

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