One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
is this how new cars are made??
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.