Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

me working on my assignments ^-^

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

“What?”
– Jude

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

describing stardew valley

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.