Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.