One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
“How’s your day going?”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣