One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I wanna be friends with this person
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
the battle rages on
