one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
🍂🕷️🍂
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”