one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.