Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Thank you corporation very cool

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?