One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
good work, detective
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Mike is short for Micycle
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing