Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

I finally found a reason to live again.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

Monday Lisa

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.