One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
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[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.