@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

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@DanMentos

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

@paperphotoyo

Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.

@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

@Brentweets

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

@kendragaylord

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@Mostly_Cheese

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

@captainkalvis

Her: i think taking care of your teeth is super important.

Me: *nodding* i like having teeth because then i can always taste my skeleton.

@velvettusk

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.