One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
oh you like architecture? name three walls
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.