One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.