One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.