One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph