One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no