Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

This is my emotional support knife.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp