One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
😅😅😅
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.