One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
You Might Also Like
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.