One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.