One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Coffee is ready.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick