Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

my astrological sign is a french fry

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?