One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
ew if literal: let me be clear
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.