The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Monday
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.