one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
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If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.