One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.


Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse


[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]


(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not


People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how


“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.


Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.


I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.


[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit