One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

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[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea


him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again


The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.


Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.


“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.


“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵


Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.