@zachreinert03

One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

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@Cpin42

[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea

@pilau

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

@SmilingObject

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@Shade510

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@eleniZarro

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

@LaughingLemur69

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.