@zachreinert03

One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

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@TheBoydP

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@wolfpupy

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

@thatdutchperson

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

@WheelTod

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

@RidiculousSheri

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@boring_as_heck

[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit