Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?