one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
That 👊
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T