One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
You Might Also Like
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Jurassic park gets weird
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
applying for a new job
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?