Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I have no passwords left in me

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Every time my phone rings

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.