One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
incredible text to wake up to
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”