One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no