one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]