one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!