One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Thursday Thought.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
this came to me in a vision
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.