One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
want me to check your oil?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
