One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]