One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
You Might Also Like
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
stand with me against insufficient seating
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?