@stevevsninjas

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

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@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@BradBroaddus

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

@funflaps

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

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@huntigula

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet

@AudreyPorne

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

@daddydoubts

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.