One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You Might Also Like
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Beware of fowl play.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.