If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
yesterday a man corrected my pronunciation of my name
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.