Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

BRAKING NEWS!!

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.