One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]