One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
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closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
It’s his time
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁