Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

This checks out

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.