One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.