One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
You Might Also Like
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no