One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
the best thing i’ve ever made
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics