One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.