One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

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You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?


“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises


If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.


Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming


Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash



“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”


“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”


Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.


I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.


pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me