@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

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@RamblingMachine

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

@Cpin42

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

@RuinMyWeek

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

@ThaJawn

Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming

@Reverend_Scott

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

@myqkaplan

“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”

“no”

“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”

@mydanimarie

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

@jjax44

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me