@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

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@Darlainky

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

@daemonic3

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

@SmithWit

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

@AndrewNadeau0

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

@Cheese_Pile

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

@KateWhineHall

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.