One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.