You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Best Buy: *opens first store
Good Buy: We should have seen this coming
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“should i go into the arts?”
“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”
“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore