[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The eighth habit of highly effective people.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That’s weird, dude.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”