One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.