Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

It’s a gift

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what