Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents