One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I hope it’s French Onion!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this