One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
You Might Also Like
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
When you let grandma cat sit
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.