One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
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Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.