One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*