Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Cats are still liquid.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

Seems kinda suspicious

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.