One time I want to see the lion reunited with his former human,
but he goes full lion
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True statement👍😏😁
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Rude much 😂😂😂
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael