One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?