One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from