One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
who’s gonna tell her?
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Isn’t
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest