One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything